The Biscuit Guide to Coming Out
Coming out, as many bi+ people will tell you, isn’t a one-off event. Once you’ve done it once, you’ll find yourself doing it all the time; to potential partners and new friends, to healthcare providers and public services. Most of the time it’s not relevant, but you’d be surprised at the times it is. Because the gender of our partner or date doesn’t announce our sexuality, bi+ people find ourselves coming out more often than most, and while many of us never entirely get over the fear of coming out to someone new, but there’s no denying it gets easier.
Coming out for the first time, though, can be especially daunting. It might be difficult to know if you’ve made the right decision When you feel like you’ve been carrying an exhausting secret, the idea that you might be soon letting it go can be overwhelming, and not all the thoughts you might have are positive. Anxieties about how your life might - or might not - change, or how your revelation might be received are bound to crop up.
Our guide to coming out is available to read online or download, or if you’re questioning we have a guide for that too. If you’d rather jump right in, our brief guide is below.
Why come out?
It is true that each individual that comes out as bisexual benefits the community as a whole. Each voice added to our number makes our movement stronger, provides another role model for queer youth and inspiration for those struggling with their own orientation. Our voices are stronger when the size of our commumity is truly known, and every person who comes out adds to that.
We also know that coming out is good for the soul. You can tap into a whole new community – and potentially a whole new support network – you can date the type of people you want to date and most importantly you can finally feel like your authentic self.
The benefits of coming out extend into all corners of our lives. Research shows that we have better relationships and better self-exteem after coming out, but also that we’re better friends and employees, we’re more resilient and have better mental and physical health outcomes too.
But as with all things, it’s safety first. There are some situations in which coming out would be dangerous – if you fear a violent or abusive reaction, for example, consider staying in the closet a little while longer. You’re not denying who you are: you’re taking care of yourself.
Make sure you’re ready
Making sure you’re ready to come out isn’t just a matter of getting your thoughts in order. That’s obviously a good idea, but to make things easiest on yourself it’s best to do a bit of housekeeping too.
If you’re experiencing a lot of stress in other parts of your life, maybe with a house move or a period of exams, you’ve got enough on your plate. Consider leaving coming out until the current stress has dissipated.
It could also be a good idea to test the water when it comes to how your friends and family might react. You’ve probably got a fairly good idea about what their feelings towardsqueer people are, but casually mentioning a bi+ celebrity or talking about a cultural event like Bi Visibility Day or a Pride parade in your nearest big city can provide clues.
When you’ve decided you are ready, pick your moment. Make sure you’ll be able to contact your support network, and be ready for a reaction other than what you’re expecting. Negative reactions are increasingly rare, but unfortunately they still happen. Make yourself physically comfortable as far as you can, and take a deep breath.
Six tips for coming out
You might find the process is easier than you think. If you're lucky, not all these tips will be relevant or useful to you so pick and choose as you like. You are wise enough to know yourself; trust that.
Find other people’s stories
Ask friends or go online to find out how other people handled coming out. Don’t be afraid to shamelessly steal someone else’s technique if you think it’ll work for you. Resources like rucomingout and WhenICameOut provide numerous examples of coming out stories – the inspiring, funny and tragic as well as the reassuringly dull.
By doing a bit of research you’ll find that there is no universal coming out story, and hopefully you’ll feel a little more confident about your own.
Plan what you’re going to say
If you’re worried about getting flustered, or forgetting what you want to say, there’s nothing wrong with planning ahead. Have a think about what you want to communicate – do you want to talk about how you’ve been feeling keeping your sexuality secret, or would you prefer to just say ‘I’m bi’ and leave it at that? Once you’ve decided what you want to say, practice in front of a mirror or in your head, or write yourself a script. Whatever works for you.
Planning what you’re going to say isn’t just about preparing a monologue, it’s also about deciding what questions you’re prepared to answer and drawing boundaries about what responses you'll accept. You may be asked about your sexual history, if you have a preference for one gender or another, or any number of intrusive questions. Don’t feel pressured to answer them if you don’t want to. You might find it helpful to have a stock response prepared like “I don't want to talk about that right now” or “that question feels intrusive”.
Don’t feel pressured to be original
We’re quite rightly used to thinking of coming out as a big deal but that doesn’t mean it has to be a big event. Coming out to a room of assembled family and friends, or on stage at your graduation does happen, but that sort of being in the spotlight isn’t for everyone.
If you want to hire a skywriter go ahead (sound brilliant!) but don’t forget that what you’re saying is much more important than how you’re saying it, and if you want to have a simple chat over a cup of tea, that’s just fine too.
Start Small
Coming out to a large group might result in an overwhelming response, whether it’s positive or negative. There’s bound to be questions (people generally want to know how long you’ve been waiting to tell them, for one) and you may find the situation difficult to control.
Instead, start with a single trusted friend or family member. Once you’ve told them and digested the experience you can decide who to talk to next. Unless you’ve asked your friend to keep your coming out a secret, you might find that the gossip tree does much of the rest of the work for you.
You could also start by telling a stranger, perhaps using chat support on a website like Samaritans or LGBT Foundation, or an acquaintance or social media mutual who you’re friendly with but who isn't part of your closest circle.
Be firm
As bi+ peole, we often experience dilution of our identities by people who are keen to tell us that we’re not really bi, but gay people who are too scared to come out ‘fully’, or by people happy to tell us that we've chosen the wrong label for our specific pattern of attraction.
It's hard to know whether to expect statements like this, but it’s good to have a retort in your back pocket just in case. Practice saying, “Coming out was a difficult decision for me and I don’t appreciate having my identity undermined”, or “Right now the label that fits me is ‘bisexual’. That may change or it may not, but it will be my decision”.
Have something to look forward to
If you can, plan a treat for yourself as a reward for a job well done. Take yourself out for ice cream, line up a Netflix marathon or buy yourself that pair of shoes you’ve had your eye on. You just did something really hard. You deserve it!